Jimmy sat in his own barber’s chair and watched the kid fencing behind him in the mirror. It was bad enough they had to close down the shop just to cut his hair, but now he was bringing actual weapons into it. At least the blinds were shut.
“Will you sit down?” said Jimmy.
“What is the suicide rate for barber-men, Jimmy?” said the kid.
“I don’t know! Jesus.”
The kid beheaded an imagined enemy and stood on their corpse. “Cuchulainn prevails!”
“Listen, you’ve only got forty minutes left.” Jimmy stood up with the scissors.
“You mean to tell me the work will not drive you mad?” The kid pointed the sword to Jimmy’s chest. “That a swift death does not tempt you?”
“Of course not! Put that thing away and let’s get your hair cut.”
“It is said that dentists are killing themselves,” said the kid. “Do you know of this?”
“What?”
“Evidently they are desperate to end their suffering.”
“Dentists, eh?”
“Yes, they are known for torturous procedures and shameless gouging.” The kid turned around and stabbed at the air. “But all dentists are grieved by their loved ones. Their souls are not pure evil.”
“Will you sit down?”
“We leave their offices feeling violated and robbed. But after they play with our mouths, they have mouths to feed, Jimmy! They simply wish to earn a living, and we must have healthy teeth. They are better off living than dying.”
“Kid, come on!”
“But what if they earned nothing at all?” The kid chopped and swung and pierced. “What will they do when we inevitably become a moneyless utopia?”
“That’s not gonna happen!”
“As patients, we would leave with white smiles and our livelihoods intact, but what initiative would any sane citizen have to become a dentist?”
“Ok, now I do wanna kill myself.”
“There is nothing in it but the monies, Jimmy!” said the kid. “No one is truly interested in teeth or a career that ends in suicide. So what do we do?”
“Why don’t we just cut your hair?”
“We conscript them!”
“What!”
“Honest, unsuspecting fools are forced into dentistry. And if they make it through a decade without offing themselves, they receive a medal for courage in the field. Some may choose to continue in service of their nation’s dental health, becoming Majors, Lieutenants, Generals, and the like!”
Jimmy sat down again. “So just the usual today? Or do you want something different?”
“Every November we will hold vigils and a moment of silence for the souls lost. Our dentists will be decorated heroes, instead of the maligned thieves they are in today’s capitalist heap,” said the kid. “What do you think?”
“I think you’re afraid of haircuts.”
The kid sheathed his blade.“Ha! You are a joy to know, Jimmy.”
“Why don't you sit down and I’ll tell you about when I was conscripted?”
“You were once a soldier, Jimmy?”
“No, I was a kid, like you.” He offered him his seat.
“Indeed?”
“No, not really,” Jimmy laughed. “There are no kids like you.”