I'm sure Floyd Caractacus thinks I’m crazy. He’s always asking me about my life and my beliefs but never really listening, just grinning when he gets me on a tangent. He’s not my favourite person at work, not even my favourite busboy, he’s just the only one who's learned how talkative I am, so he knows me the best, if he pays any attention. He’s twenty years younger than me and probably earns more money.
Tonight, while I struggled to untangle two steel wools, Floyd surprised me with a real compliment.
“I read your mag,” he said.
“You mean my zine,” I said.
“Right!” he nodded and bit into his burrito. “Yeah, I like it. It makes my cheeks tight.”
At first I was appalled by the phrasing but then I let out a laugh. “Are you trying to say it made you smile?”
“Was it supposed to?”
“It’s a comedy, so yes.”
“Oh, thank god!” he said. “I didn’t know what to expect. It actually made me laugh out loud in parts. That doesn’t usually happen when I read.”
“Thanks, man!” I said. Though I wondered how much Floyd ever actually reads anything. I guess that was unkind. He’s a bright kid.
“I like the part where he assaults the couple walking the three-legged dog,” he said. “Do you have any more?”
“Not on me,” I said. “But I can bring you more to read. I’m glad you enjoyed it, man. It’s always a little scary sharing your stuff with people."
“Right.” He chewed slowly and shrugged, like he’d asked himself a question in his mind. “You should put me in it.”
I meant to say “What?” but only my face said it.
“In your writing,” he said.
“Well, I -”
“You’d have full creative control,” he added, “of course.”
I gave up with the steel wools and put them in the garbage. I turned back to the sink.
“What do you think?” he said.
“I don’t think I understand,” I said. “You’re asking me to write about you?”
“You should, yeah,” he mumbled through his burrito. “I don’t know anyone else who writes.”
“Do you have any ideas of what I would write?”
“I’m not really an idea guy. I’m just the muse, you know?”
“Muses don’t typically propose themselves in this way,” I said, then I laughed again. Floyd was playing some kind of game (like I said, he thinks I’m crazy), but I had so many dishes that I thought I may as well play it, too, to pass the time.
“Is that a no?” he asked.
“No. I’ll think of something. What’s your favourite genre?”
“Hip-Hop, I guess.”
“Of fiction, man!”
“Oh! Well, I liked your stuff. That was funny.” He thought about it. “So I guess I like funny. I like dinosaurs. I like space.”
“I could try science fiction,” I said. “Space.”
He wiped some sauce off his face. “Yeah?”
“Yeah, let’s say there’s a little ship called the 88,” I began. “It’s not lost in deep space, but it’s aimless.”
“And I’m the captain?”
“Yes, you’re the captain and you’re bored.”
“That’s how it starts?” he said. “Not much of a hook, is it?”
“Just listen,
●
You’re the captain and you’re bored. The 88 hasn’t seen life in six weeks. Every planet you notice is barren, uninhabitable, or just a ball of gas. You stare out the viewscreen without really looking.
‘System,’ you say, ‘it’s your move.’
System is the ship’s computer, a disembodied voice. ‘I didn’t know we were still playing, sir,’ it answers you. ‘The wizard’s bodyguard swings his club at you.’
‘Ok,’ you say. ‘I duck and cut off his head. Your move.’
‘You can’t do both, sir.’
‘Then I just duck!’
‘Very well,’ System says. ‘Meanwhile, the wizard has escaped the cave. Your move.’
‘I cut off the bodyguard’s head!’ you say.
‘You can’t cut off his head, sir, you can only swing your sword and see what happens. Are you sure you want to do that?’
‘Fine! I swing my sword at his neck.’
‘The bodyguard disappears like smoke; An illusion,’ System says. ‘The wizard destroys the cave. You are dead.’
‘Aw rats!’ you say. ‘That game's so rough. What do you want to do now?’
‘May I suggest we land on the planet ahead?’
‘There’s a planet?!’
‘There are sixteen planets, sir,’ System says. ’We have been in the Malphas territory for approximately one month.’
‘Why didn’t you ever tell me?!’ you shout.
‘You never asked.’
‘I’ve been sitting here like a turkey for weeks! You didn’t think this news would interest me?’
‘I can’t read your mind, sir.’
‘Oh, forget it!’ you say. ‘What is the Malphas territory?’
‘The Malphas territory consists of two stars and sixteen planets, and a population of approximately one hundred and thirty billion.'
‘Fantastic!’ you say.
‘It is the most dangerous territory in this sector of the galaxy.’
‘What?' you cry out. ‘Then let’s get out of here!'
‘That will take one month, sir.’"
●
Floyd finished his burrito. “Alright, hold that thought, man! I gotta punch in.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I don’t actually know what happens next.”
“Ha!” He threw his wrapper away and headed into the dining room. “Well I hope I don’t die.”
I put my head back down to the dishes.
“Oh, hey,” he said. “I like how you did the computer’s voice.”
(end of part 1)