Cuchulainn had no idea he was on a date.
Barry, an older boy from the university, asked him out to see a local improv troupe perform. Once it was explained to him what improv was, Cuchulainn was most intrigued, and accepted the invitation. Barry was delighted. He thought Cuchulainn was hilarious and cute. He really liked him. He told Cuchulainn this repeatedly.
“I said be quiet,” said Cuchulainn. “I will meet you at the theater. Bring a flask of gin.”
When the show started, the troupe asked the audience to name their favourite movies. Someone said Edward Scissorhands. Cuchulainn had no idea what that was and disrupted the show for an explanation.
“This man is cursed with scissors for hands?!” he cried. “I must know every beat of his story.”
“Right,” said one actor, “now, we're going to do Edward Scissorhands… backwards!”
“I have not even seen it forwards! The humour will be lost on me. Barry, tell them to stop!”
Barry chuckled and shushed him.
“I am no fool,” Cuchulainn added. “I can decipher a backwards play.”
The crowd was in stitches throughout the performance. Cuchulainn continued to ask them to pause so he could reverse the plot in his mind.
“You're so funny,” Barry would say.
“Edward is a hero!” Cuchulainn said. “Tragic. Handicapped. Deadly.”
Onstage, they were getting even bigger laughs as Edward undid all the women’s haircuts. Cuchulainn marveled at his talent and modesty.
“Barry…” he whispered. “Is this the greatest story ever told?”
“You're so funny!”
“They are laughing,” Cuchulainn went on, “but the idiot actors do understand the true themes. Edward and Kim cannot show their love…”
“Yeah…”
Cuchulainn stood up. “Yet none of you are speaking or walking backwards!” he spat at the stage. “Amateurs! You insult us!”
“Sir!” said an actor. “Just sit down. Don't you wanna see how it begins?”
That got a big laugh.
“Well, yes,” Cuchulainn conceded. “But you are all pathetic.”
Barry beamed at him.
“Barry,” said Cuchulainn, “you must show me the real Edward Scissorhands. I am enamored!”
“Me too.” Barry took his hand.
Cuchulainn flinched. “What on earth?!”